What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

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Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

I was 9 years of age.

She found it foreign!.

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Ive learnt so much.

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

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I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

When should I use the best sunscreen for oily skin?

I never cut or harmed myself..

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

What did i know ?

Why do narcissists avoid talking about the real issues?

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

Was to survive, this bastard.

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She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

I write beautiful poetry .

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One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

I will be 64.

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

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I said to her

I don,t even have a pension.

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

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Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

He knew the spot.

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As i do to all so called friends.?

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

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We were not on the streets..

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

Who then, do I blame.?

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

I waited trembling.

It was going to be , some day.

She was in good health!

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

(And it was in our own minds.)

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

Put me off passion for life!!

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

We all went to grammer schools

Especially a lifetime of it.

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

My life is so biszare .

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

I was very sick at this time too.

And who doesn’t know suffering?

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

One cannot live in the past .

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

Im still living with it.

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

She wouldn,t have been !

All the time i was locked up.

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

I was seconnd youngest,

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

The only rule us 5 kids had .

They are buried together, in the same grave..

I could never make a relationship work though!

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

But it wasn’t much.

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

I was scared of men, in general

But ive been too sick for many years..

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

She married twice! .

She loved him until the end.

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

I did it because my mum asked me too!

When she asked me how she looked .

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

Why did i forgive my father ?

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

Comes on , in middle age.

He was dying to do it , i knew.

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

Would this be the day?

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

This is soul school!.

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

My mum and dad in the seventies!

Where the ultimate outsiders.

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

But, we were locked up after school.

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

I couldn’t, believe it.

On the 31st of Jan this month .

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

So whats the point in blame.

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

My family never makes their pension either.

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

I have no regrets .

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

And i lived it daily.

I had hoped to write a book about this .

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

I think the readers, may guess!

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

This is how, and why children get BPD.

I know ,a lot about trauma.

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

Im dying but, im not bitter.

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

He resisted the act ,that day.

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

So, i spoilt her more .

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.